I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
