I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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