I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
