So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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