He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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