I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I will be naked everywhere
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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