i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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