I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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