4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He passed out mid-signature
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
