I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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