What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
