I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
