When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
