So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
