I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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