life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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