Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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