I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Every concussion has its silver lining
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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