you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
