i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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