so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
