Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
