Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
