He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize