Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
