Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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