my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
