my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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