Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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