8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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