i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
