I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
