just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
