I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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