I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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