I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
