How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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