Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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