Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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