So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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