I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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