I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize