She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
how does that bad decision feel?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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