I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
