Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
