Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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