well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize