May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
