i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
my liver is dry heaving
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
