Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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