They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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