i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize