That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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