mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
