i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
