I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You made out with two different species that night
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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