I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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