In the future we'll all be gay
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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