happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
