that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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