Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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