She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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