I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ladies don't puke and tell
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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