I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
